The Arlington Rap is Just Too Real

Raise your hand if you've never seen the Arlington Rap by the "artist" known as "Remy." Now, with your raised hands, hit yourselves and click on this link for a detailed article, lyrics, and the video itself. Now you may read this post. When I first listened to the Arlington Rap, it was amusing. I recognized various landmarks and stereotypes, and found it to be on the spectrum of general comedy. And then I came home. Fun fact of the day? The Arlington Rap is almost too accurate to be something that is joked about. Thank god for the obvious insertions of irony regarding our "straight up thug town."  So, for the viewing pleasure of the two family members and one boyfriend that I try and guilt into reading this, I've compiled a list of things that I would like to expound upon as featured in Remy's Rap. PS - Remy, if you're reading this, I love you. Call me.

1. Boat shoes and brown flip-flops also known affectionately as "Rainbows." Oh for the love of everything holy, Yuppies, do you really need even your footwear to proclaim your place in the world? Just because the Potomac is kinda-ish near us, does not mean that boating shoes should be a go-to closet staple. Nothing is more absurd than seeing a beautifully dressed professional yuppie on her way to her fabulous job in the city ...with boat shoes on her feet. Hopefully your purse is large enough to hold a small nation because you have some pumps in there. As for you "dudes in brown flip flops," close- toe is your friend. We wear flip-flops because our feet are small, dainty, and more importantly, not furry.

2. Whole Foods. I'm over it. I know. It's "organic." Here's my issue. If a few chemicals and some hazardous pesticides keeps families of worms and other little buggies from my produce, I'm okay with that. Personally, I'm not a fan of nature being that involved in my daily life. My apple is my apple, and I'm not trying to share it.

3. Riding on the Orange Line. It’s no secret; we have issues the two of us.This is particularly ironic as I write this the morning someone recommended her Botox doctor to me. Subtly, of course, otherwise it would’ve been tacky. But I mean it’s fine, I am 19 after all. Not gettin’ any younger over here. In all seriousness though, the Orange line is truly a wonderful thing for us yuppies. How else would we get ourselves into the city for our glamorous jobs in pretty glass buildings? Any how would we get there on time if we didn’t yell expletives at everyone we run over because we’re far too busy to watch where we’re walking, it’s other people’s jobs to read our minds and stay out of our way. Duh.  Look, really I just hate the metro. Sorry ‘bout it. All in favor of a “no interaction” rule? Don’t look at each other, don’t touch each other, and don’t talk to each other. Just sit in your seat and get off at your stop.

4.  The Green Line- the Only Way I Could Hate the Metro MoreOh good lord. I had to ask someone what the green line joke was the first time I heard the rap. And then I rode it. NOT FUNNY. There were all of four people on that train, all questionably not breathing. All of a sudden, we were passing through open air section of the track and I had never wanted to be back underground so badly in my life. Rolling fields with a dilapidated building every three or so minutes does not inspire warm feelings just for the record.

5. Ballston – Yeah, We Kinda Got a Mall? Not that Ballston isn’t a fine establishment of a shopping center….oh wait, but it’s not. Featured in Ballston you will find Macy’s, in an effort to be legitimate by having a department store. You will find Panera, an effort at classy food. There is also a Bath and Body Works to support the innate attraction to smelly stuff that all women possess. Unfortunately, one would also find a disgusting movie theater (that, for the record, used to have “turistas go home” written in spray paint on the snack window) several boutique-y looking stores that sell clothes quite probably made exclusively of spandex and lycra, and an FYE. Are you kidding me? How are you still in business? Between Netflix, iTunes, and Hulu your ass should’ve been grass a long time ago.

But I’m just getting unnecessary lengthy. Per usual, no big deal. Should someone have the inclination to support any of my little talking points here or even better provide there own personal accounts of the Arlington Rap just being way too real for comfort, feel free to post below! Xoxo,Justine